WC: 2,805
Trigger Warnings: swearing, religious trauma, (undepicted) childbirth, child abuse and verbal abuse
A healthy baby is sleeping peacefully in a basket. On top of them is a note, stapled tight to the blanket they’re wrapped in. On the note reads a name.
The name is of no importance to who the child would become, so there’s no reason to mention it. But, for all intents and purposes, there is a labeled baby in a basket outside on the steps of Sister Eve’s Orphanage.
The nuns who had them now speak in hushed voices about how cruel it is to leave a helpless child out on a doorstep. As if it were the 1800s and they lived in Great Britain or something.
Still, the child needs a name, for the one haphazardly thrown at them was not right. One should be named by those who would care for them. Those who want them.
So, one sister says, “This baby is a gift. A gift from God above. A strong child who will never let anything break them.” She looks down at the baby and smiles gently. “In thanks for such a gift from the Lord, they shall be named Nathan.”
“Nathan!” the rest of the sisters rejoice. “Nathan!”
The baby stirs and the room silences.
“...Maybe we should stay quiet until they’re finished their nap,” a quiet sister suggests. Murmurs of agreement ripple through the crowd.
Baby Nathan slumbers on.
+++
Nathan is the healthy age of 6 when he decides to be a boy.
“I like bein’ called one,” he says simply. “An’ bein’ called he an’ stuff. You all always call me they, which isn’t bad, but it’s not… right either?” He looks down, clutching the teddy bear the woman he’s talking to had bought him at some point. “I dunno if that makes sense. Sorry, Sister Eve.”
“It’s quite alright, dear,” Sister Eve chuckles. “I think I understand, though. Worry not, child. All children of God are allowed to be who they want and express how they so wish.”
“We are?” Nathan asks, still feeling small. “...I am?”
“Of course, my child.” Sister Eve smiles and holds her arms wide open. “Come here, Nathan. My wonderful boy.”
Nathan pauses for a moment, awestruck, then he crashes into the sister. A shaft of light covers them perfectly, highlighting this moment in time.
Nathan has never felt more loved.
+++
Nathan is 12 years old when he meets a woman named Miriam.
“He is a gift from God,” Sister Stacy told the woman. “A prodigy in his own right.”
“Prodigy, huh?” Miriam had said, looking Nathan up and down. “You some sort of genius, then?”
“I’m really good with numbers,” Nathan says proudly. “Most kids my age don’t know how to calculate things like long division and sales prices off the top of their head like I do!”
“Ooh, money savvy are we?” Miriam smiled. “You do any other tricks?”
“Um…” Nathan mumbles, unprepared. This was the first time someone had come for him out of all the orphans. He wasn’t prepared. “I… I…”
“He’s a child bursting with energy, joy and love,” Sister Stacy says for him. “I’m sure he’d be a wonderful addition to your family, and I’m sure the children you already have would adore him.”
Children she already had? Nathan wonders to himself. I get siblings too…?
“And you said he’s good at math?” Miriam questions as if he didn’t say it himself.
“He’s our number one Math student,” Sister Stacy smilied. “Has been since he was a little scrap.”
“Hm,” Miriam says, staring Nathan down for a long time.
Please, Nathan begs God. This is the first time anyone’s ever been interested in me. Please, please let them say—
“Yeah okay,” Miriam shrugs. “You’re good. Where’s the shit I gotta sign before taking him home?”
“Right this way!” Sister Stacy beamed, beginning to pull Miriam away. “Go get your things ready, sweet child,” she told Nathan, “For tonight, you go home!”
Nathan could jump for joy. He couldn’t believe it! His first interview and he had made it! He really made it!
After 12 long years at Sister Eve’s Orphanage, Nathan would finally be going home.
Thank the stars. Thank God.
+++
“Who’re you?” one of the identical looking children asks Nathan the moment his small suitcase crosses the threshold of the tiny apartment. This one has a hair clip on.
“What’s your name?” the other one asks. They’ve got their hair in a little ponytail.
“Are you the new kid?”
“Will you be staying with us?”
“Where did you come from?”
“Do you have any toys?”
“What kind of clothes do you wear?”
“Did Mom tell you if you’d be sharing our room? She didn’t tell us! We wanna know!”
Nathan’s brain can’t keep up with the onslaught of questions. He’s getting overwhelmed.
“That's enough,” MIriam finally says, flopping down on the couch. “Leave the kid alone for a minute. He just got here.”
“Okayyy…” the young children drone, complacent. The one with the ponytail turns back to Nathan, though.
“Okay but, what is your name?”
“Um,” Nathan says. “N… Nathan.”
“Nate!” the other twin beams. “Awesome!”
“Nate…?” Nathan breathes. He’d never been referred to by a nickname before.
“Nate, we’re the Tanner Twins,” the ponytailed one introduces. “I’m Rii.”
“And I’m Cher!” the other one smiles. “Together, we’re Cher and Rii!”
“It’s cute, isn’t it?” Rii smirks, crossing his arms. “Go on, say it. We know we’re adorable.”
“Oh… um…”
“They’re lying to you,” Miriam snorts. “Their names are… Cheryl and Rita,” she says after a short pause. “They call themselves those stupid nicknames, but you don’t have to actually use them.” She rolls her eyes. “Stupid fuckin’ names.”
The twins immediately look put out. Nathan frowns.
“I think your names are cool,” he tries.
They perk right back up.
“Really!?” they both shout.
“Yes,” Nathan smiles. “They sound cute together. Like… when you say them together it sounds like cherry.”
“Those are my favorite fruits!” Cher claps. “Right after pears, apricots, peaches…”
“Ew,” Rii says, sticking out his tongue. “I hate peaches.”
“More for me!” Cher laughs.
“Are you two gonna just stand there and talk about some stupid fruit or are you going to actually do something useful and show… the kid his new room?” Miriam asks, barging into their conversation.
“Our room?” Cher asks. “‘Cause you never told us where he’d be staying. By the way.”
“Yes, your room,” Miriam scoffs. “He sure as fuck wasn’t bunking with me! Ha!”
Nathan frowns again. Miriam was nice at the orphanage. Or… she wasn’t mean. She wasn’t like this. What gives?
“C’mon, Nate!” Rii says, grabbing his hand and pulling him deeper into the apartment. “Our room is cool! We have bunk beds!”
“You can sleep on one of our beds tonight,” Cher offers. “We normally sleep together anyways.”
“Oh, okay,” Nathan nods. He didn’t actually think about where he was going to sleep tonight. He’s glad he won’t be put on the couch.
The tykes pull Nathan into a room that's way too empty for its own good. There’s a couple toys strewn about, some of them looking so worn they barely look usable anymore. There’s also books littered around a small bookshelf, which itself is practically empty. And of course, in one corner, there’s the bunk beds. Opposite it is a dinky little kid’s table with paper and crayons thrown all over it. There are also two little yellow plastic seats tucked under it.
“Sorry about the mess,” Rii apologizes. “We don’t normally clean unless Mom makes us.”
“Speak for yourself,” Cher huffs. “I was busy reorganizing the books alphabetically.”
“You still have to sing the ABC’s in order to figure out what goes where every time you reach a letter past D,” Rii says, wry smile on his face.
“Oh, shut up!” Cher shouts, sticking her tongue out.
“Sorry your noggin isn’t as big as mine,” Rii teases.
“At least I know my times table!” Cher bites back.
“I know my times table!”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah!”
“What’s 7x6 then?”
“It’s…!” Rii falters. Nathan watches on as he scrunches his face up. “It doesn’t matter!”
“Rii doesn’t know his times tables! Rii doesn’t know his times tables!” Cher sings, grinning.
“Oh, shut up!” Rii shouts, probably unintentionally sounding almost exactly like his sibling just a bit ago.
This was a lot.
Nathan was about to start a new life, and it was going to be a lot.
+++
Nathan is 14 when he becomes the resident breadwinner of the Tanner household.
“Hey,” Miriam had woken him up one day after his birthday. “You’re 14 now, right?”
“Huh?” he blinked his eyes hard, rubbing at them. “Yeah…”
“Job time, buddy boy,” Miriam smirks. “Get on it. Now.”
Now, Nathan wasn’t dumb. He had learned early on in this house that when Miriam said to do something now, she meant it. But he was so tired… school had really swamped him yesterday, and being it was the weekend, he was hoping for a few extra z’s…
He sighs. No, that would just get him berated later.
Looks like it was time to look for a job. Maybe that Family Dollar close by was hiring…
+++
At 16, Nathan is a different person than he was when he first entered the Tanner house.
His pale face is marred by dark, dark eyebags. His hair is always disheveled. His clothes range from too big to too small. He worked two separate jobs. And he was making more money than Miriam at this point.
The way his hands would shake with an hour’s worth of sleep and bitter coffee running through his system was proof positive he wasn’t handling it well.
Basically? He looked and felt like a mess in every regard.
Not to mention the fact Miriam did little to nothing to help neither him nor the Tykes. Their every need and want was fulfilled by Nathan.
When did this even start? He can’t remember.
“Kids need food,” Miriam would say every so often. “Get some bread or something while you’re out.”
“I just bought bread two days ago,” Nathan had said at this particular junction. “A whole loaf.”
“Eh.” Miriam waves a lofty hand in the air. “I had a toast and butter thing happen to me yesterday. Shit’s gone.” She looks over at him. “Get butter as well, by the way. We’re out of that for some reason too..”
Just like always, Nathan would just sigh and comply. He had school to get to, then a job, then another. He’d be lucky if he could remember to get the butter, but he’d be absolutely sure not to leave Family Dollar without a new loaf and some lunch meat. Even if it was just a plain sandwich, something to eat was better than nothing to eat. And Nathan had sworn some time ago he’d never let the kids go a night without eating.
His own stomach growls.
The fact he hasn’t eaten more than school lunch in the past week was starting to catch up to him.
+++
Nathan’s birthday comes and goes. He’s a whole entire 17 now. He’s lived almost half of his life under the rule of Miriam Tanner.
He was worn. He was tired. He was failing his classes. He was falling asleep at inopportune times. He’d be standing at his Best Buy register and be absolutely dead on his feet.
But it’s not like he had a choice. He had to put food on the table for the Tykes. Make sure their needs were met. They were 12 now, the same age he was when he got there.
God. Five years. God.
He had to get the fuck out of here. And he had to bring the Tykes with him.
+++
Suspended. It was about a week from finals, a week before he could finally wash his hands clean of having to care about anything in school (save for photography) and he had been suspended.
All because of the stupid idiot that was Sebastian Sharp.
Nathan had some choice words for the dumbass, but it was nothing like what Miriam had for him.
“You stupid fucking idiot!” she yelled. “How the fuck do you get suspended for threatening someone!? Let alone the fucking kid of the owners of the whole fucking school!?” She was steaming. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I didn’t raise you to be this fucking stupid!”
“You didn’t fucking raise me at all,” Nathan mumbles, fists clenched to the side of his rigid body. “I raised me. I raised those kids!”
That makes Miriam scoff. “You didn’t birth two little monsters in an agonizingly long 7 hours, did you?” She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. “Because last time I checked, that was me.”
“You think I give a damn who the fuck brought them into this world?” Nathan laughs, unafraid to swear since the twins were still at school. “A fucking stork could’ve carried them to you for all I fucking care! It doesn’t matter!” He rattles with the rage engulfing him. “And don’t you dare fucking call those kids monsters. They are a fire of light and joy and maybe you’d fucking know that if you had raised them. Like I did.”
“Ha!” Miriam laughs. “They have you brainwashed!”
“Brainwashed?” Nate repeats, genuinely caught off guard by this line of thinking. “What the fuck are you on about?”
“They had me brainwashed at first, too,” she continues. “Had me like putty in their tiny little hands.” She huffs. “Didn’t last long, though. Toddlers are not babies, and toddlers are fucking Devils.” She chuckles. “Not that babies are any less annoying. But at least they’re cute and can’t talk back.”
“Why did you even have children, Miriam?” Nathan asks, bewildered. “Why the hell did you adopt me?”
“Because of said children I didn’t want,” Miriam replies, rolling her eyes like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You think I’m happy Luis left and stopped returning my calls? You think I’m happy I got stuck with two little brats who didn’t even know how to tie their own damn shoes before you got here? You think I’m happy I had no choice but to get another kid just so I wouldn’t have to deal with those original kids?”
Miriam takes a breath. “Do you honestly think having not two but three ungrateful children in my house means I’ll be Mary fucking Poppins with her stupid fucking bag and her stupid fucking umbrella?” She huffs, humorless smile on her face. “Because I won't be. I’m not happy about this. Any of this.”
Nathan chooses this time to say something really, really stupid.
“I can’t wait to leave this fucking place. I can’t wait to fucking leave you.” He takes a deep breath.. “And I can’t wait to show the Tykes what it’s like to live a real, actual life. One without a real fucking Devil breathing down their necks.”
And, of all the things Miriam can do, she laughs.
She laughs and laughs and laughs.
“You fucking wish,” she says once she talks again. “You fucking wish you could live without me. I’m the only shelter you fucking rodents will ever be able find. You know what you have without me?” She starts listing things. “No money, no food, no shelter, no life.”
“Half of those things are straight up lies,” Nathan scoffs. “And I think I can deal with the other two. Living in the street would be better than living with you at this point!”
“21,” Miriam chuckles.
“What?”
“21 and your little ass is out of here,” she clarifies. “I’m sick of you. Go to your room.”
Too stunned to move, Nathan just stands there.
“To your room!” Miriam shouts.
Nathan blinks for a long time. Then, without another word, he walks into his shared bedroom, climbs up the side of the bed and study table combo he’d managed to get second hand some time ago, and flops down.
For the first time in years, Nathan pulls out his old, small teddy bear that he keeps hidden at all times, cradles it, and falls asleep crying silently.
+++
In his dreams, he’s in a courtroom.
The defendant? Him.
The prosecution? Miriam.
The judge? God.
And the witnesses? Two small children holding one another so tightly it looks like it must hurt. They’re trembling violently and hiding their faces in each other’s necks.
Without one word beforehand, the judge looks over the scene and slams down their gavel.
“Guilty.”
The crowd roars with applause. The persecution smirks happily. And the kids?
The kids are sobbing.
Nathan is too.
“Why, God?” he begs. “Why have you forsaken me? Forsaken us?”
God does not answer.
Nathan wakes up, eyes somehow more wet than they were when he fell asleep.
His teddy bear is on the floor.